The holidays are here. And according to one of the most classic winter songs, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. So what do you do when you’re feeling less than wonderful?
Despite all the cliches about holiday cheer, many people struggle during this time. In fact, 40% of Americans report higher levels of stress from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Eve.
If you have complicated family dynamics, you may already be experiencing heightened dread, anxiety, or guilt right about now. You’re not alone, but you can learn to deal with it.
Here’s what you need to do.
Adjust Your Expectations
You may have heard this generic advice before, but it’s time to really take it to heart. Dealing with family during the holidays isn't always easy, particularly if things have been contentious at past gatherings.
Take some time to reflect on what's contributed to your negative feelings in the past. For example, are you guilty of expecting everyone to get along? Do you spend too much time with people you don't really like all in the name of 'family tradition?' Do you overextend yourself with far too many responsibilities and then resent other family members for freeloading?
Realistic expectations require accurately assessing your family relationships without putting additional pressure on them or you. In other words, you can't expect miracles. Some family conflict may be inevitable, and holiday gatherings don't always go exactly as planned.
Realistic expectations also means accepting that:
-
It's impossible for every family member to get along perfectly
-
Your holiday season will probably look different from holiday seasons depicted on social media
-
Family members may say or do things that annoy you.
-
Spending time with toxic relatives may feel uncomfortable
-
Your definition of "family" may look different from a conventional definition.
Set Clear Boundaries With Clear Guidelines
While you should accept that you can't control other people, that doesn't mean you should subject yourself to suffering during the holiday season.
Family gatherings may become stressful when you find yourself agreeing or going along with situations that don't serve your best interest. There's nothing wrong with being flexible or open-minded. But if you keep compromising your needs, you risk growing resentful. You also risk lashing out at family members.
Your boundaries should be concise and direct. Consider practice saying:
-
"I need everyone to bring a dish to our family dinner."
-
"My child needs to go to bed at 8:00 pm. We will be leaving your house at 7:00 pm."
-
"Your dessert looks great. But I am so full from this delicious meal. Can I take a portion home to eat later?"
-
"I will not engage in any discussions about ____."
-
"We can't make that event, but we're looking forward to seeing you soon."
It's normal to feel some guilt about setting limits. You might worry that difficult relatives will protest or push back, and that can certainly happen. But you are responsible for managing your own reactions, and you have every right to stand firm in your boundaries.
Consider If You Need New Holiday Traditions
Maybe you always have family dinner with your in-laws on Thanksgiving. But the drive is six hours away, the kids fight in the backseat the entire time, and you spend the entire weekend feeling annoyed with your spouse.
Let's reassess: How well is this family gathering really working? Is it worth the holiday stress? Are you actually getting high-quality family time together? Maybe. But maybe not.
Plan ahead to decide how much time you want to spend with family members, but also consider if you want to try something new.
For example, maybe your husband can take the kids to his parents for the day, while you spend it with your mother. Or perhaps you can offer to host Thanksgiving at your home this year.
Level Up Your Self-Compassion and Self-Care
Holiday stress is real, and it can affect your self-esteem. That's why it's so important to spend time nurturing yourself.
Know your triggers: You probably know what parts of family gatherings cause you to feel stressed. Whether it's cooking the turkey, buying a present for a toxic relative, or cramming in work projects at the last minute, plan for these triggers in advance. Consider how you can best cope with these obstacles.
Stick with a routine: Most people find that grounding themselves with a predictable schedule can help reduce some of the anxiety during this time of year. Even if you can't stick to it perfectly, don't abandon the structure altogether.
Talk about your feelings with friends: Accountability and peer support can make a difference in improving how you feel. There's a good chance your friends are going through their own similar experiences!
Don't be afraid to take a break: You don't need to do it all. If you struggle with perfectionism, embracing this mindset can be hard. But it's important to remind yourself that nothing is worth compromising your emotional well-being.
Challenge negative self-talk: Be mindful of how you speak to yourself. What you say has an extraordinary impact on how you feel. You're only human. It may help to practice positive affirmations reminding yourself of your worth and goodness.
How Therapy Can Help Improve Your Family Relationships
There's nothing like dealing with family to trigger shame, exacerbate mental illness, or cause you to compromise your own self-care. The holidays can bring out the best and worst in us, and dealing with difficult relatives can be emotionally exhausting.
Therapy can help you learn how to manage conflict, set healthy boundaries, and find peace during this challenging season. You deserve to feel supported, and we are here to support you!