You love your partner. But the nagging voice in your head telling you something bad will happen just won’t quit. What if they’re cheating on me? What if they’re lying? Are they going to leave me at any moment? Should I be with someone else? 

These doubts can undoubtedly feel overwhelming. After all, you want to feel secure in your relationship, and you want to enjoy the time you spend with your partner. But what constitutes reasonable relationship anxiety? When do you know things have gotten out of hand? And how do you actually deal? 

Common Relationship Anxiety Symptoms

It’s normal to feel some uncertainty or worry about the relationship, particularly in times of stress. But if you regularly experience the following symptoms, it could indicate a more significant problem.

Consistently Doubting That You Matter to Your Partner

Do they even love me? Do they want to get back with their ex? Is this really going to go anywhere?

Relationships are inherently built on a sense of trust. Of course, this trust takes time to build, and if your partner consistently breaches your trust, that’s a cause for serious concern. But if they tend to be stable and consistent in their behavior, it may be more of a reflection of your anxiety. 

Persistent Fears about Them Breaking up with You 

This is a common fear at the beginning of a new relationship. It’s also a reasonable fear if they comment about being unhappy or wanting to end the relationship. 

But as things unfold and you two become more serious, having this fear could signify more profound relationship anxiety.

Trying to Dig or Read Between the Lines of What They Say

Are you constantly second-guessing or overthinking what your partner tells you? Do you feel like they’re lying or withholding something important from you? Do you struggle to really give them the benefit of the doubt?

Even in the healthiest relationships, there is no such thing as perfect communication. But a solid relationship requires a sense of mutual respect and trust- you should want to assume that your partner has your best interest at heart. 

Ending Relationships before They Become More Serious

Some people purposely end or sabotage relationships at the beginning because they think they fear commitment. Often, the fear isn’t so much about commitment- it’s more about committing and then losing that commitment and having to deal with the painful aftermath.

Of course, it’s reasonable (and often recommended) to end a relationship if you aren’t compatible with the other person. But if you perpetually struggle with maintaining relationships, it could be a sign of anxiety. 

Questioning Your Long-Term Compatibility

When someone has relationship anxiety, they tend to overemphasize differences while downplaying similarities. 

For example, you might start obsessing over the fact that your partner wants to save for a house rather than spend money on taking a vacation together. Rather than talking it through- and trying to potentially come up with viable compromises- you may experience this impending doom that you were never meant to be together. 

Fearing That You Aren’t Good Enough for Them

This is one of the cornerstone symptoms of relationship anxiety. Maybe you feel like you just “got lucky” to be with your partner. Or, perhaps, you worry that they won’t want to stick around once they know the true you.

These insecurities can be expected when you first meet with someone. However, they should pass as you two become more and more comfortable. If they don’t, it could indicate anxiety.

Reminder That Some Relationship Anxiety Is Normal

To some degree, all couples experience relationship anxiety. That’s because all relationships entail some inherent sense of ambiguity. For example, you might feel anxious when you first begin dating. You want to know where things are going- if you’re both on the same page. 

In times of stress or conflict, you might question your partner’s loyalty. Do they really have your back? Can you two get through this? Do they have your best interest at heart?

Finally, you may experience moments of resentment, sadness, or even boredom during your time spent together. Any of those feelings can trigger speculation if you’re in the right relationship. You may find yourself spiraling out and asking yourself, is this relationship the right one for me?

Rest assured that some anxiety and relationships can go hand-in-hand. But in healthy relationships, people recognize the feeling and address it either alone or with their partner. They attempt to manage their distress, and the anxiety doesn’t consume them. They are able to address their concerns and move on to a happier and more secure place together.

Relationship Anxiety Can Cause You To Self-Sabotage 

Anxiety stems from a sense of powerlessness. It happens when you feel out of control over a particular situation, and it can skyrocket when you worry about the worst-case scenario manifesting itself. 

But if your anxiety feels debilitating, you need to identify its origin. Most anxiety about future events derives from painful experiences from the past. 

Have you been cheated on before? If so, you might assume that history will invariably repeat itself. Do you struggle with low self-esteem? If you do, you might question why your partner is with you in the first place.

Unfortunately, some people cope with their relationship anxiety by creating self-fulfilling prophecies. In other words, you subconsciously start to sabotage the relationship. Some subtle signs of sabotage include:

• Starting arguments with your partner.

• Withholding or guarding important information.

• Crossing relationship boundaries.

• Insisting nothing is wrong even when it’s obvious you’re in pain.

• Criticizing your partner.

• Making frequent statements about your partner leaving or hurting you.

• Flirting with others or cheating on your partner.

These actions, even if they are unintentional, aim to test your partner’s loyalty. Indeed, your partner may pass these tests several times. However, after time, they may grow frustrated, confused, and resentful. As a result, they might start shutting down, drifting away, or losing interest altogether.

Understanding Attachment Styles and Relationship Anxiety

Working through relational anxiety sometimes requires understanding how you generally attach to others. Attachment styles refer to how we bond and connect with other people. Research shows we form these bonds during our infancy years, and they can follow us throughout life. 

If you identify with an anxious or preoccupied attachment style, you might:

• Immensely fear rejection or abandonment.

• Question if people are really there for you.

• Feel insecure or inadequate around others.

• Seek continuous validation from others.

• Become overly clingy to maintain a sense of control.

• Sacrifice your own needs to keep someone else happy.

• Feel like your needs are never really met.

Consequently, people with avoidant/fearful attachment styles may:

• Withdraw from others during moments of stress.

• Immensely fear vulnerability and sharing their “true selves.”

• Present as aloof or disinterested.

• Come across as cold to others.

• Show discomfort at physical intimacy or touch.

• Avoid emotional expression or struggle with it.

• Aim to present as strong in all circumstances. 

In many cases, the opposite attachment styles attract one another. For example, if you identify with an anxious attachment style, you may be drawn to people who present as more emotionally unavailable and vice versa. As a result, both partners may feel somewhat anxious, frustrated, or even resentful. 

If this dynamic applies to you, don’t assume there is no way to fix it! While attachment styles may be pervasive, you can learn how to improve your feelings and reactions. 

How Relationship Anxiety Exacerbates Other Problems

Anxiety can compound itself. This means that relationship anxiety may exacerbate other forms of anxiety. 

For example, you might experience sleep disturbances, appetite changes, or physical tension. You might also have anxious thoughts about other areas in your life, like your work or health. 

Relationship anxiety may trigger you to engage in problematic responses like: 

• Withdrawing from other relationships or activities.

• Neglecting your physical or emotional health.

• Pretending that everything is okay (and keeping all your anxiety to yourself).

• Frequently engaging in escape behaviors like substance use.

How to Deal with Relationship Anxiety

If you struggle with relationship anxiety, it doesn’t mean that your relationships are doomed. It just means that you need to be aware of your patterns and change your behaviors. If you value healthy and mature relationships, you must make healthy and mature choices.

Educate Yourself on Anxiety

Anxiety can be complicated to understand. It’s often tricky and insidious, and it can convince you that terrible things are imminent.

Reading about anxiety can be a great first way to start. Learning more about the condition, understanding the common symptoms, and exploring new coping skills provide you with an essential foundation for moving forward.

Identify and Articulate Your Needs

In healthy relationships, partners freely discuss their feelings and boundaries. They aim to respect each other’s needs. They talk things out, even when it might feel uncomfortable. 

With that in mind, talking does not mean dumping, venting, or attacking. 

Consider using I-statements when communicating complex material. I-statements assume ownership over your thoughts and feelings. For example, instead of saying, You can’t be trusted, consider the more adaptive reframe, I feel insecure when I don’t hear from you when you’re gone all night. 

Remember Your Partner Cannot Validate You 24/7

Although it may be challenging to hear, it’s not your partner’s responsibility to rescue or affirm you at any moment’s notice. Even if they do their absolute best, this pattern may trigger an unhealthy codependent bond.

Instead, it’s important to try and consider how you can start validating yourself. For example, what makes you a good partner? What makes you inherently special?

Learning how to validate yourself takes time. You can start with gratitude- learning how to focus on what you appreciate about yourself (and honoring the good things you have in your life) can be affirming.  You may also want to consider practicing positive affirmations reminding you of your worthiness and humanness. Finally, try to treat yourself like a friend- that means, if you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself! 

Pause Before You Act Impulsively 

When you feel anxious, you may act out to mitigate some of this discomfort. Acting out can include a variety of behaviors like:

• Making rigid accusations about your partner’s behavior

• Yelling, screaming, or making threats

• Stonewalling and engaging in silent treatment

• Crossing boundaries (texting your ex, leaving the house abruptly, etc.)

• Making idle threats about leaving (or your partner leaving)

• Invading your partner’s personal property

It’s no surprise that these behaviors can exacerbate tension. Similarly, they can worsen the relationship anxiety, especially if your partner doesn’t respond exactly as you prefer. It’s a vicious cycle, and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by it. 

Consider adopting a more mindful approach to improve your ability to withstand distress and learn how to pause. Take a few deep breaths—take note of your feelings and motives. Identify your needs. Pause and reflect on the best way to approach the situation.

Strengthen Your Personal Identity

Many people lose themselves in their relationships. They become preoccupied with wanting to make the other person happy. They neglect their own passions, friendships, or self-care because the relationship becomes so consuming.

Healthy relationships require healthy people! Invest in cultivating your self-esteem. This may mean practicing positive affirmations and self-compassion every day. It may also mean spending time with positive influences or taking healthy risks with work or school.

Finally, you need to have a separate life outside of your relationship. This separation keeps you feeling refreshed and engaged with the world- it can also bring the two of you closer.

Consider Therapy

Relationship anxiety can stem from depression, anxiety, trauma, and low self-esteem. Unfortunately, many people find themselves in patterns of destructive, unhealthy relationships because they don’t address some of these core issues.

Getting help for relationship anxiety can help you enhance your self-awareness. In addition, good therapy can teach you adaptive coping skills to manage your anxiety before, during, and after it arises. 

Tips for Being in a Relationship with Someone Who Has Anxiety 

What if you’re content with your partner, but you’re dating someone struggling with relationship anxiety? Here are some considerations.  

Practice Active Listening

Try your best to listen openly and without judgment when your partner shares their feelings. Being dismissive- or rushing to give a quick solution- may only make the anxiety worse.

Instead, listen without distractions or assumptions. If you don’t understand something, ask for clarification. Let them know that you want to be there to listen and support them.

Ask How You Can Best Support Them

How can I support you right now?

This question is so simple, but it allows your partner to reflect on precisely what they need from you. They may want practical advice. They might just want to vent or express how they feel. They might want you to take a specific action.

In some cases, they may not even know what they need. That’s okay, too. This question eliminates your need to guess how you should help and identifies what they most want. 

Set Appropriate Boundaries 

Relationship anxiety doesn’t give your partner a justified excuse to harm you. Even if they feel uncertain or scared about the relationship, you deserve respect as they work through their feelings.

Consider how you want to set boundaries around any threats, accusations, or criticisms. Try to avoid letting them put you down- the more you seek to “rescue” unfounded fears, the more incentivized they may feel to dump their projections onto you.

Encourage Therapy

You are not your partner’s therapist, and it may be helpful for them to meet with a professional. Let them know that your suggestion comes entirely from a place of love and compassion. Remind them that you are here for them and want them to feel better about you, the relationship, and themselves.

If they resist your suggestion, you can model the benefits of therapy by going yourself. Remember that it is not your job to fix how they feel. Subsequently, if they are unwilling to seek help or make any changes, you may need to evaluate the relationship. 

Final Thoughts

Relationship anxiety doesn’t have to define your identity. It doesn’t have to cripple your relationships or hurt the people you love the most. Instead, you can learn how to work through some of the distress.

Our relationships are the most treasured pieces of our lives. Commit to honor, value, and work on them. If you’re struggling, it’s okay to reach out. Together, we can learn adaptive ways to feel better with your partner.