Losing a pregnancy can be one of the most painful experiences a woman goes through. While we can recognize that it happens to many, with 15 to 20 percent of known pregnancies ending in miscarriage, it doesn’t make the impact any less devastating.
Understanding Disenfranchised Grief
The moment you receive a positive pregnancy test, your life changes. Whether you feel joy, excitement or fear, there is an inevitable sense of anticipation – this is a brand new trajectory. After a miscarriage, your trajectory abruptly changes again. And this is often met with a profound but unique sense of loss, or disenfranchised grief.
A loss that is not openly acknowledged or socially mourned can be difficult to process - but it is still valid. A miscarriage is a significant loss, and the emotions around it can be complex. It’s crucial to recognize the experience and what it means to you.
Does it feel like a loss of a child, of hope, of what you anticipated for your future? Was there an expectation that you would be able to start a family of your own, ultimately sharing important customs and traditions? Does it bring up unresolved feelings from previous trauma? These are all very real losses that take time to grieve.
The Physical and Emotional Toll
For many women, grief is only one part of the experience. Pregnancy can change your relationship with your body, and an abrupt loss can lead to challenges with self-trust and self-compassion. One study found that nearly a third of women who experienced an early pregnancy loss met the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder after one month, with 18% continuing to experience it nine months later.
There may be other physical and cognitive impacts, including hormonal fluctuation and fatigue. Emotional impacts are also common, including feelings of emptiness or intense sadness, anger, resentment, and loneliness. This can result in changes in appetite, sleep, habits and goals, as well as detachment and isolation.
While these can be normal parts of the grieving process, they can also lead to deeper depression or complicated grief. Nearly 20% of women who experience a miscarriage develop depression or anxiety, with symptoms persisting three years later.
Why Support and Healing Matter
Depression and anxiety thrive in isolation; resist the urge to isolate in your grief. Connect with supportive friends and family who will hold space for you to feel however you need to feel. Sharing the grief not only helps alleviate the burden, it can also help normalize talking about an experience that so many women have.
If you’re struggling to find support from your partner, know that this is also common. Pregnancy loss can take a profound toll on a relationship since people often respond differently to stress and grief. One partner may withdraw and the other may intensify emotions to overcompensate for the loss, creating a negative cycle.
You may be tempted to push these complex feelings away or to find yourself overcome by them; both are valid responses and deserve space to process. The four tasks of grieving can help by accepting the reality of your loss, processing the pain of your loss, adjusting to your new reality, and finding a connection to your loss as you continue forward.
Not sure how to get started? Counseling can help. A therapist will guide and support you in this complex journey to find genuine healing. Grief is always unique and never linear, but you don’t have to go through it alone.
At Elevate Counseling we have therapists specialty trained in pregnancy loss and we are here to help.