It often seems like a mystery. The couple seems happy, and they insist they're happy. They communicate well, enjoy spending time together, and feel safe in the relationship.
So, if there's no evident crisis, why take the risk and cheat? What compels someone to have an affair and threaten their relationship? And does it mean that your relationship has more unresolved issues than you actually realized?
Why Do Happy People Cheat?
Cheating is prevalent, with a recent study indicating that about one-third of people have cheated on a partner- either emotionally, physically, or both. In addition, about half of people who've been in a monogamous relationship report being cheated on.
People cheat for many reasons. In heterosexual relationships, men tend to be more likely to have affairs than women. They are also more likely to seek out sex and attention. When women cheat, it's often an attempt to build emotional intimacy. Interestingly, infidelity rises for both men and women during the middle ages. Women in their 60s and men in their 70s have some of the highest rates of cheating. Let's dive into some reasons why people cheat - even when they seem happy in their current relationship.
Unmet Needs
Sometimes people cheat because their affair partner provides something dramatically different from their current partner. These motives aren't always conscious, and a person might not intentionally seek them out.
Unmet needs can be physical or emotional. It's impossible for any relationship- no matter how happy it is- to meet every need. And a person might not realize how much they value that need until someone else presents it to them.
Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem can drive cheating behavior. This often happens because low self-esteem coincides with a higher need for external validation.
Someone with low self-esteem might look outside their relationship for approval or attention. Even if their partner makes them feel loved, that love might not feel like enough. This deficit may be due to existing problems in the relationship. But it may also be a feeling rooted in the past (i.e. they didn't feel cared for in the past, so they assume that their current partner must not care about them either).
They're Happy And (Something Else)
It is possible to feel multiple emotions at the same time. For example, someone can feel happy and restless, happy and bored, and happy and anxious. This dialectic can be challenging for someone, and they might try to seek answers for this confusion outside their relationship.
Furthermore, defining happiness is also challenging. It isn't a fixed state- it ebbs and flows like any other emotion.
And so, having affairs may have little to do with happiness and more to do with other competing emotions.
They're Exploring Newer Parts of Themselves or Seeking Novelty
A committed relationship provides stability and familiarity, and many people seek comfort in those benefits.
The flip side of such commitment is that the dynamic can become stale. It's easy to fall into a rut, especially when both people manage busy lives and don't have time to pour emotional energy into their dynamic.
Sometimes cheating can happen as part of an identity transformation. It's common for people to discover new preferences or values over the course of life. In a committed relationship, partners ideally come together to integrate these changes.
Someone might cheat as a way of coping with these newer parts of their identity. Maybe they tap into a sexual desire that never existed before. Or they learn their relationship doesn't have the type of intimate conversations they value.
Undefined Boundaries
Some people might cheat because the relationship has never really been defined. One person might think things are more serious and committed- the other assumes they are just casually dating. This miscommunication can create a serious disconnect for both partners.
That's why it's important to define parameters within the relationship. There's nothing wrong with being single, casual, monogamous, or polyamorous- or whatever definition fits your needs. But you both need to be on the same page. Otherwise, you risk hurting one another's feelings.
Whether you're dating a new partner or in a long-term relationship, consider what values you want to uphold. What defines cheating for you? And what are your boundaries should a partner violate your trust?
Can Your Relationship Come Back From An Affair?
When it happens, cheating often feels like the ultimate relationship violation. And while it's true that affairs can erode relationships, healing from them can also represent a stepping stone for an even deeper emotional connection. Many couples come back from infidelity with more resilience and appreciation for one another.
If you're worried about the state of your relationship, it may be time to seek professional support. Couples or marital therapy can help you and your partner reestablish trust, strengthen boundaries, and build a more emotionally-satisfying relationship.
Affairs happen, but they don't need to define your identity or compromise your well-being. You deserve to get the support you need.