There’s a good chance you’ve thrown around the term a few times. He has commitment issues. Once someone wants to settle down, he bolts! She can’t commit to following through with any plans! She’s always looking for the next best thing. 

But maybe you’re the one struggling with commitment. For example, maybe you want love and intimacy, but you find yourself sabotaging your relationships before achieving those milestones. Or, you want to achieve specific dreams or goals, but you taper out and lose focus before accomplishing them.

So, what actually causes commitment issues? Is this a permanent problem, or can you take steps to resolve how you feel? 

Commitment issues are somewhat of a broad term. Typically, they refer to a pattern of ambivalence coupled with a lack of consistency. In many cases, people with commitment issues struggle to “stay the course” when things become rough. Instead, they may jump to the next best thing because they need immediate relief.

What Are Some Common Commitment Issue Signs?

Commitment issues don’t exist in a vacuum. If you struggle with commitment in one part of your life, it probably bleeds into other areas as well (even if you don’t always recognize it!). While everyone has different experiences, here are some common signs that you may be struggling.

You Avoid Thinking about the Future

Sure, you know that the future matters, and maybe you’ve considered parts of it. But as a general rule, you typically avoid planning for tomorrow.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying the present moment. Mindfulness, after all, is an essential tenant of mental health. But if you avoid thinking long-term or considering how you need to best prepare for what’s next, you’re shortchanging yourself. 

You Run Away From Conflict 

Most people don’t love disagreements, but they accept the occasional relationship conflict as an inevitable part of life. However, if you have commitment issues, you might recoil and disappear at even the hint of a disagreement.

Why does this happen? You may feel afraid of true vulnerability or sharing how you feel with someone else. You might also fear the potential for rejection, which may occur during a conflict.

You Often Date The Wrong People

People with commitment issues frequently date the wrong people because then they can avoid the deep intimacy needed in a healthy relationship. 

For example, you may find yourself in a pattern of dating married people or people with wildly incompatible worldviews from your own. This pattern continues to give you a way out even if you don’t recognize this as an unconscious motive. 

You Rarely Make Concrete Plans (Or Avoid Doing So until the Last Minute)

Have people ever called you flaky? Do they chase you down for an RSVP or question why you never seem to attend important events?

People with commitment issues tend to feel overwhelmed when making plans. It isn’t because you are trying to be difficult. Instead, it’s usually a result of chronic indecisiveness. You may feel uncertain about whether you really want to go, and you might also be waiting to see if another, better opportunity comes along (which may coincide with FOMO).

You Procrastinate on Important Tasks

Do you put off essential tasks until the very last moment? And if so, do you cobble together scraps to get the job done- even if it doesn’t go very well? 

If so, your procrastination habits may be a sign of deeply-rooted commitment issues. In addition, you may experience anxiety about change (or failure), keeping you in a perpetual state of stuckness.

You Frequently Sabotage Yourself

When things are going well for you, what happens? Do you enjoy and celebrate your success? 

Or, do you become panicked and assume that things are going to fall apart quickly? If it’s the latter, you may struggle with self-sabotage, and that pattern can keep you in a vicious loop of feeling successful followed by feeling ashamed, angry, or worried.

You Don’t Feel Connected to Others

If you have commitment issues, you might identify with feeling like somewhat of a lone wolf. Maybe it’s hard for you to rely on others. Perhaps, you feel disappointed by them, so it’s easier to do your own thing.

That said, we need human connection to thrive. We benefit from having support, validation, and genuine attachments. If you don’t have that- and you don’t necessarily want it- it could represent a more serious issue. 

What Causes Commitment Issues?

Commitment issues can happen for many reasons. In some cases, the problems may stem from a specific event. Other times, they may emerge from a variety of factors. Here are some common causes of commitment issues.

History of Damaging Relationships

If you’ve been lied to, cheated on, or abused in the past, it makes sense that you would guard your heart. This is a survival tactic designed to protect you from danger. 

Unfortunately, it can also backfire. The more resistant you are about trusting others, the more unsafe and unsupported you may feel.

Poor Modeling of Healthy Relationships or Boundaries

What kinds of relationships were you exposed to growing up? Did you witness a tumultuous affair or shocking divorce? Did your caregivers respect your boundaries and provide you with the autonomy you needed? 

If relationships felt wild and consistent during your early years, you may feel distrustful of them now. You may also assume that people, even if they present well, will invariably hurt you.

Lack of Self-Awareness

In some cases, commitment issues stem from feeling uncertain about yourself. For example, you may not really know your goals or desires, so you don’t make an effort to go after them.

If you don’t take the time to reflect on your values, you may avoid taking care of yourself altogether. As a result, this can lead you to feel somewhat directionless and detached.

Can You Work Through Your Commitment Issues?

Yes! You can start by processing the fears and struggles associated with commitment. Then, you can practice different coping skills for managing distress when it arises.

Consider the Origin

Why do you think you struggle with commitment? Where do you think it comes from? Have you spent any time reflecting on what may have happened?

Working with a therapist can help you develop more insight into your patterns. Remember, the point isn’t necessarily to dwell on the past. Instead, it’s about using the past as a helpful tool for understanding your current thoughts and behaviors.

Start Holding Yourself Accountable to Small Goals

If you struggle with responsibility and consistency, baby steps matter! Learning how to define goals- and make an effort to achieve them- can help you feel more empowered in daily life.

Think about a goal you’d like to achieve in the next week or month. Start breaking it down step by step. Then, make an action-based plan to make it happen. Afterward, reflect on how you feel. What was it like following through with something?

Consider Your Main Priorities in a Relationship before Dating

Before spending time with someone new, take a moment and reflect. What matters to you most in the relationship? What are your most essential priorities?

Start developing a set of standards for dating. This doesn’t mean automatically disqualifying people who don’t fit within that criteria. It does, however, mean that you selectively start filtering out people who may not serve your best interest. 

Communicate When You Feel Scared 

Many times, commitment issues stem from feeling anxious, particularly in relationships. But instead of confronting this anxiety, you flee. You try to escape to something new because dealing with that feeling is scary.

Instead, try identifying and sharing how you feel with someone safe. If you don’t have that person yet, consider writing it down in a journal or even just saying it aloud. Consider working with a therapist who can help you articulate how you feel.

The more comfortable you get with identifying (and sharing) your feelings, the less intolerable they start to feel. Furthermore, connecting with others opens a greater space for connection.

Accept Uncertainties 

Despite your best efforts, you can’t always control your life outcomes. Letting someone into your world may be hard because they can hurt you. Taking a risk is frightening because you may fail.

However, accepting these uncertainties is an integral part of making the most out of life. While we can’t control other people, we can focus on managing our own reactions.

Meditation can help with increasing acceptance. You can also consider practicing positive mantras like, I will get through this, or, No matter what happens, I trust that I will be okay.

Final Thoughts 

Understanding and working through your commitment issues can help you feel more comfortable with yourself and with others. However, even if you’ve struggled in the past, that doesn’t mean you need to continue feeling this way moving forward.

Therapy can help. We can untangle some of the fears or obstacles maintaining your commitment issues, and we can develop healthy strategies for coping with these variables.