Do you place everyone else’s needs before your own? Do you find yourself agreeing to obligations that drain your energy or make you feel resentful? At times, is it hard even to recognize what you want?

People-pleasing comes from good intentions. You want to make other people happy and keep the peace within relationships. But reality rarely matches this grandiose expectation. Instead, people-pleasers often feel insecure and angry or alienated from others. 

Learning to assert your needs can actually improve the quality of your relationships. It entails that you respect yourself, and it encourages other people to respect you as well. 

While the efforts to stop people-pleasing can take time, it’s possible to change your ways. Here is what you need to know. 

Are You a People-Pleaser? 

Sometimes, people-pleasing is apparent. Chances are, you know someone who fits this role in your life. They may present as a martyr who wants to give in every situation. They might also seem insecure and agree with whatever the group thinks instead of voicing their own opinions.

However, people-pleasing isn’t just about being nice or helping others. Moreover, some of the signs of people-pleasing can be more subtle than you realize. 

You Feel Guilty When You Say No

Even if you do say no to other people, how do you feel about it afterward? Ashamed? Regretful? Anxious?

It’s a misconception that people-pleasers never say no. But if you turn down requests and you feel guilty, you probably struggle with your self-esteem and boundaries.

You Rarely Ask for Help

Do you pride yourself on being fiercely independent? Do others seem amazed at how well you can handle everything?

At first glance, this personality trait may seem like the exact opposite of people-pleasing. But it can be an insidious form of downplaying your needs and emotions to avoid burdening others. In addition, asking for help can be vulnerable, and people-pleasers may fear the possibility of potential rejection.

You Struggle With Indecisiveness 

People-pleasing results in valuing other people’s opinions and priorities ahead of your own. Over time, this pattern can result in you neglecting your needs. You may even neglect them so much that you forget what you want, and you don’t trust your own intuition to guide you.

Indevieness can also stem from relationship anxiety and wanting to keep other people happy. You might be so familiar with getting reassurance that you don’t know how to reflect on what matters most to you.

You Enable Toxic Relationships

People-pleasers often find themselves in dysfunctional dynamics with others, whether it’s with a partner, friend, or coworker. They may fall into caretaking or enabling roles, and the other person benefits because they don’t need to change their unhealthy ways.

In addition, people-pleasers tend to have weak social boundaries. They may not recognize when someone else is draining their emotional energy. And even if they identify the problem, they usually feel guilty standing up for themselves. Moreover, they might want to rescue the other person. 

How to Stop People-Pleasing: A Step-By-Step Guide 

Caring about the welfare of others is one thing. But consistently sacrificing your identity, needs, and well-being for others will take a toll on your well-being. 

Learning how to stop people-pleasing first starts with awareness. Recognizing that you struggle with this problem may feel painful, but insight is the initial step towards change.

Think About Where It Started 

Have you struggled with people-pleasing for most of your life? Do you see this pattern in one of your parents? Were you raised in a home where you were expected to take care of others from a young age?

Or, did people-pleasing develop over time? For instance, were you in an unhealthy relationship and felt you had to walk on eggshells to keep your partner happy? Or, did you work in a stressful job and felt like you needed to make others happy to prove your competence?

You might not know the exact culprit of your people-pleasing tendencies, and that’s okay. But try to think about where it may have come from. Knowing its origin can help you understand and mitigate triggers moving forward. 

Reflect on When It Feels Good to Say Yes 

You probably know when you dread saying yes. It’s usually when you already feel overextended, stressed, or underappreciated. You might also hate saying no to certain people or when asked to do specific tasks. 

But consider when the opposite situation happens. When does saying yes come naturally and positively? Is it when you’re asked to do something that makes you feel inspired or productive? Is it when a certain friend- who always seems to have it under control- asks you for a favor? 

It doesn’t matter what makes you feel motivated to say yes. We all have different needs and values, and a comfortable “yes” to you may not apply to someone else. What matters is being true to yourself. Ideally, you should focus on structuring your life so you can say “yes” when it matters the most.

Remind Yourself That People Will Get Upset Sometimes

Even the best people-pleaser can’t please everyone. No matter what you say or do, someone will likely have a problem.

However, people-pleasers tend to obsess about how they can fix how the other person feels. You might beg for their forgiveness or try to overcompensate to win their approval. These efforts, however, are misguided. You can’t control how other people react.

Instead, remind yourself that there are no universal loves. People disagree on everything- it’s part of human nature! It’s also part of what makes human relationships so satisfying.

With that, not everyone will love you. That’s okay. Accepting that allows you to focus your efforts on the people who matter the most.

Practice Saying No in Safe, Benign Situations

If you want to stop people-pleasing, you must recognize when you need to say no. You can start strengthening this muscle by practicing in various, consequence-free settings, such as when a:

• Cashier asks if you need any more assistance. 

• Salesperson tries to pressure you into buying their product.

• Waitress inquires if you want dessert.

Even though it may seem ridiculous, it’s important to desensitize yourself to turning down requests (no matter how insignificant they seem). The more you can practice this skill, the more comfortable you will feel saying no when it really matters.

Defer Your No’s With Loved Ones

It’s easy to say, “just tell people no” when it comes to dismantling people-pleasing behavior. But even though this strategy makes sense with strangers, embracing this mindset may seem insurmountable with friends or family.

Instead, consider pausing your answer with a script like:

• I’m not sure yet. Can I get back to you?

• I need to think about it a little more.

• Let me double-check if I have anything else going on that day.

• It sounds interesting, but let me confirm with my partner first.

Even if you’re positive you don’t want to oblige to their request, having a buffer can help you feel more empowered when you do say no. Furthermore, upon introspection, you might find that you’re willing to say yes. The difference is that you have ideally allowed yourself to reflect on your needs rather than feel mandated to give in.  

Reevaluate Relationships When People Can’t Respect Your No’s 

People who genuinely love you will respect your boundaries. They won’t want you to feel guilted or obligated into doing things just for the sake of your relationship.

So, what happens if someone keeps you giving you pushback after you say no? What do you do if they become passive-aggressive or snarky? 

It’s important to remember that these responses may be a sign of emotional abuse. A one-time infraction could indicate stress or a poor judgment call. But if someone consistently tries to push your boundaries, they aren’t respecting your relationship.

In that case, it’s worth considering the impact this person has on your life. Setting firmer limits and assessing the importance of this relationship may be paramount for your well-being.

Validate Yourself Often

People with high levels of self-esteem have healthy boundaries with others. They feel comfortable saying no when requests don’t align with their values.

Validating yourself and practicing positive affirmations regularly can help improve your self-esteem. Try to adopt a gentle mantra like:

• I am worthy of love.

• I am a good person.

• I am allowed to say no to things that don’t serve me.

• I trust my intuition to steer me in the right direction.

• I am worthy of honoring my needs.

Seek Professional Guidance

People-pleasing is a difficult habit to break. You will make mistakes along the way, and that’s okay! Try to reflect and learn from any setbacks that you experience. 

However, if you can’t stop people-pleasing and it’s getting in the way of your livelihood, your patterns may indicate a deeper problem. Therapy can help you understand your situation better. It can also provide you with support, reassurance, and practical strategies for changing your behavior.

Elevate Counseling is located in Hinsdale, Illinois and serves clients in the western suburbs and all over Illinois via telehealth.