Navigating the teenage years with your kid can feel like trying to tame a tornado—you never quite know what to expect. One day, they’re happily chatting your ear off about their favorite show; the next, they’re giving you the classic "eye roll and sigh" combo for just saying hello. It’s totally normal for teens to crave independence at this stage, but sometimes our well-meaning parenting moves can accidentally push them further away.
The good news? You don’t need a degree in teen psychology to fix it! A little awareness can go a long way toward building a stronger connection (and maybe even getting them to look up from their phone).
Here are eight common parenting habits that might be putting a strain on your relationship with your teen—and some simple, practical tips to help you reconnect and keep the drama to a minimum. Let’s dive in!
1. Talking More Than Listening
Teens crave understanding, not lectures. If you find yourself doing most of the talking during conversations, it’s easy for them to feel dismissed or believe their opinions don’t matter. As a parent, it’s natural to want to share your wisdom, but the key to meaningful communication lies in listening. Your teen’s deepest desire is to feel understood, and that can only happen when you take the time to truly hear them.
What to Do Instead: Practice active listening. When your teen shares something with you, focus on understanding their words and feelings without interrupting. Simple phrases like “Tell me more” or “How does that make you feel?” can encourage them to open up.
2. Jumping Straight to Advice
As a parent, it’s natural to want to fix problems for your teen. But often, they aren’t looking for solutions—they simply want someone they trust to listen and understand. Offering unsolicited advice can sometimes send the message that you don’t believe they’re capable of solving their own problems. Sometimes, being a supportive listener is all they really need.
What to Do Instead: When your teen talks about challenges, resist the urge to offer immediate advice. Instead, respond with empathy. For instance, say, “That sounds frustrating. How are you feeling about it?” If they want your input, they’ll ask for it.
3. Criticizing Their Choices
Teenagers are in a crucial phase of self-discovery, where even well-meaning criticism can feel deeply personal. Over time, this can create distance in your relationship. Comments like disapproving of their friends or criticizing their clothing can sting just as much as saying, "You're not good enough."
What to Do Instead: Offer constructive feedback without judgment. Highlight their strengths or good intentions, and ask questions to understand their perspective before expressing concerns. For example, “I see why you made that choice, but have you thought about how it might impact [X]?”
4. Minimizing Their Feelings
Phrases like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not that big of a deal” might seem intended to soothe, but they often invalidate a teen’s emotions. Teens experience feelings intensely, and dismissive reactions like laughing, eye-rolling, or minimizing their concerns can leave them feeling hurt and withdrawn.
What to Do Instead: Acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t fully understand them. Phrases like “I can see why that upset you” or “That sounds tough” show that you respect their experience.
5. Comparing Them to Others
Comparing teens to their peers or siblings can be deeply discouraging, leaving them feeling inadequate. It sends the message that you don’t value their individuality, which can harm their self-esteem and create tension in your relationship. Recognizing their unique qualities is essential for fostering confidence and building a stronger connection.
What to Do Instead: Focus on their unique strengths and progress. Celebrate their individuality and remind them that everyone’s journey is different. Show them that they’re valued for who they are, not how they stack up against others.
6. Micromanaging Their Lives
Constantly monitoring your teen's decisions, behavior, or schoolwork can give the impression that you don’t trust them, leaving them feeling suffocated. Even well-intentioned actions, like calling their teacher to request a better grade or stepping into a disagreement with their friends, can come across as intrusive and embarrassing.
What to Do Instead: Give them room to make mistakes and learn. Set boundaries and expectations, but show trust by letting them take responsibility for their actions. Use mistakes as learning moments rather than opportunities for lectures.
7. Telling Them What Life Was Like for You as a Kid
Sharing stories from your own childhood can feel like a great way to connect with your teen, but it's important to remember that times have changed, and your experiences may not align with theirs. Moreover, your teen might feel that the focus has shifted to you, rather than your genuine effort to understand their perspective.
What to Do Instead: Focus on listening to their point of view. Instead of saying, “When I was your age, I had to deal with the same thing,” try asking, “What’s it like for you dealing with this?” This shows you’re interested in their unique experiences.
8. Not Apologizing When You’re Wrong
Even parents make mistakes, but failing to own up to them can signal to your teen that accountability doesn’t apply to you.
What to Do Instead: Be willing to apologize when you overreact or make a mistake. Modeling humility and accountability teaches your teen to take responsibility for their actions, too.
Strengthening the Bond
Relationships with teens thrive on mutual respect, open communication, and trust. By making small changes to how you interact, you can show your teen that they’re valued, respected, and loved.
Remember, building a healthy relationship is a two-way street. It’s okay to make mistakes, as long as you’re willing to learn and grow alongside your teen.
Need more tips for improving communication with your teenager? Schedule a session with one of our family counselors today. Together, we can work on creating a stronger connection.