Perhaps you feel pressured by friends to go to a social event, despite you not being comfortable with the environment. You might put on a brave face and agree to go, even though your anxiety skyrocketed the moment they suggested the idea. You bear it all because you fear losing the connection with your friends- a connection that already feels fragile due to your differences in preference.
Or maybe your spouse has become increasingly needy and demanding of your attention. They constantly seek reassurance from you, wanting you to put their emotions above all else. You feel smothered, but you fear standing up for your needs will only lead to an argument or worse- rejection. You don't want to risk sparking conflict, so you give in to their every whim, no matter how draining it is for you.
At work, your boss consistently dumps more tasks onto your plate, despite knowing you already have a lot to handle. You feel completely exhausted and struggle to maintain a balance between work and personal life. Yet you worry if you say no you’ll look like a slacker or someone who can't handle the pressure, so you keep forcing yourself.
Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? If so, you might be a people-pleaser and the root cause could be trauma from your past.
What is People Pleasing?
People pleasing is a behavior pattern where an individual prioritizes the needs, wants, and desires of others over their own, often to the point of disowning their own needs altogether. While people pleasing often appears socially acceptable - after all, it manifests as a desire to help others - it can also be disempowering and limiting.
However, what many people don't realize is that people pleasing can often be traced back to experiences of trauma. Let’s explore how people pleasing and trauma are connected through the “fawning response”.
How Are People Pleasing and Trauma Connected?
Trauma can include any event that threatens one's sense of safety or well-being. This can include experiences such as being ignored or invalidated by your parents, physical or sexual abuse, neglect, witnessing violence, or bullying.
Trauma can have a profound impact on a person's sense of self, relationships, and ability to regulate their emotions. Individuals who have experienced trauma may develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as people pleasing, to manage their feelings of anxiety, fear, or shame.
The fawning response, also known as the appease response, is a response to the rejection experienced through trauma that prioritizes social cohesion and harmony to avoid further danger or risk.
People who exhibit fawning responses often have a heightened sensitivity to social cues and are adept at adapting to the expectations of others to feel safe, accepted, or loved. They may feel a strong aversion to conflict and confrontation, even when it may be necessary, and may struggle to express their own opinions or desires.
Recognizing the Signs of the Fawning Response
The fawning response is one of the four types of trauma responses, alongside fight, flight, and freeze. The fawning response is characterized by a tendency to appease others as a means of avoiding harm.
This can involve going along with what others want, suppressing one's own needs or opinions, and tolerating mistreatment. The fawning response is often seen in individuals who have experienced trauma in childhood, particularly those who have been exposed to chronic or interpersonal trauma.
Examples of fawning behavior include:
- Aggressively complying with requests or demands, even when they seem unfair
- Apologizing excessively, even when not at fault
- Suppressing one's own needs or emotions
- Avoiding conflict at all costs and engaging in behaviors to calm others down
- Putting others' needs before one's own, even anticipating what someone may need or want
- Feelings of guilt or shame when asserting oneself
- Chronic feelings of anxiety or depression
- Tolerating abusive behavior from others
Steps to Stop People Pleasing and Put Your Needs First
Breaking the cycle of people pleasing can be a challenging process, particularly for individuals who have experienced trauma. However, it is possible to develop healthier patterns of behavior and learn to prioritize one's own needs. Here are some steps that can help:
Identify the Root Causes: It is important to understand the root causes of your people pleasing behavior. Take time to reflect on your past experiences and how they may have impacted your relationship with yourself and others.
Learn to Set Boundaries: Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries can be difficult for people pleasers. However, it is essential for developing self-respect and protecting oneself from harm. Start small by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations and practice asserting your needs.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: People pleasers often struggle with fear of rejection and criticism. Challenge negative thoughts related to these fears and try to reframe them in a more empowering way.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritizing self-care is essential for individuals who struggle with people pleasing. Make time for activities that bring joy and relaxation and prioritize rest and nourishment.
Seek Support: Healing from trauma and breaking patterns of behavior can be a challenging journey. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can offer guidance, validation, and compassion.
Final Thoughts
While people pleasing behavior can be a response to early trauma, it's important to remember that with the right support and self-reflection, you can work towards self-empowerment. By acknowledging your own needs and setting healthy boundaries, you can overcome this behavior and develop meaningful relationships that honor your worth.
Seeking therapy may be a useful tool to help navigate challenging emotions and work through unresolved trauma. With dedication to change, you can learn to put your needs first and thrive in all facets of your life. Remember that healing is possible, and you're worth the effort!
