Rage, fury, annoyance. Whatever you call it, we all experience it. Anger is an experience that often feels uncomfortable and difficult to control. Yet, anger is a completely normal and healthy human emotion. 

Like other emotions, feeling angry is accompanied by physiological reactions; when you are mad, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do your levels of adrenaline. Those responses motivate us to set boundaries, ready us to protect ourselves in dangerous situations, and call attention to circumstances that require us to change. In these ways, appropriate anger is necessary to healthy functioning.

Anger can become a problem, however, when it harms you or people around you. Uncontrolled anger can become destructive – both physically and emotionally – and can have a negative impact on your career, relationships and health. 

If you find yourself frequently losing your temper, snapping at others, or being overcome by rage, learning appropriate ways to manage and express anger can greatly help improve your quality of life.

Responding to Anger: What’s Healthy and What’s Harmful?

American Psychological Association’s (APA) research on anger found people use both conscious and unconscious ways to deal with angry feelings. Three common techniques are expression, suppression, and displacement.  

The first, and healthiest, way to release anger is to express it in an assertive, non-aggressive way. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it’s a way of communicating that conveys respect for both yourself and the other party. You want to clearly and calmly voice your feelings and needs without being hostile or blaming. 

A helpful way to structure these conversations is with the following “I” statements: “When you _____, I felt ______. What I need from you is _____.” It is often useful to take some time to cool down before having these conversations; that way you can reflect on what is the most upsetting part and what you would like to change.

Suppression is another, less healthy way to deal with anger. This occurs when we hold our feelings in, try not to think about them, and focus on something else. While sometimes this seems like the best route to avoid confrontation (a common technique used by people-pleasers), it can have negative consequences. When you do not allow yourself to express anger outwardly, you can end up turning it inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. 

Remember, anger is often a signal that we have been violated in some way. By ignoring our anger, we don’t give ourselves a chance to repair boundaries, escape danger, or otherwise get our needs met. We inadvertently teach ourselves that our needs don’t matter, which can lead to low self-worth and heightened anxiety.

A third way people deal with anger is with displacement, in which a person uses anger to cover up other emotions that are painful, embarrassing or difficult to express. This is an especially common response in men, many of whom are taught from a young age that vulnerable feelings like sadness and fear are not acceptable. These individuals thus learn to displace their softer feelings with more socially acceptable ones, like anger and aggression. The trouble is, this can alienate others and, like suppression, keep you from getting your needs met.  

Techniques to Keep Anger Under Control

Healthy expression is only one side of the coin when it comes to anger management. We also need to learn ways to calm and soothe anger before it explodes and we say or do something we later regret. Here are some ways to get a handle on your anger before it gets out of control:

1. Relaxation Techniques – Anger is often an indication of underlying stress and a need for more self-care. Chronic stress makes us cranky and diminishes our capacity to de-escalate anger. On the other hand, when you are able to begin from a place that is calm and relaxed, you are more likely to stay that way. Finding ways to chill when you’re NOT angry can help you stay relaxed so that rising anger never gets too far. Consider practicing progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness, yoga or other activities that help you unwind. The key here is building habits through consistency, which over time can change the way your mind and body respond to stress. 

2. Releasing the Energy of Anger – If you’ve ever paid attention to how your body feels when you’re angry, you know that it packs a lot of energy. Anger cues the body to defend itself; in other words, to fight. This happens whether or not there is an actual, physical threat and whether or not it is appropriate to fight, kick, and scream. Yet the body needs ways to discharge all that energy. Some healthy ways of doing this include pushing against a wall, pressing down on your thighs while seated in a chair, or engaging in any form of rigorous (no-contact) exercise. Certain yoga sequences can also provide a powerful antidote to anger. One caveat: hitting or punching an object is not the best way to go here. That can reinforce aggression.

3. Reframing Your Thoughts – Working on how you think about situations can help you better manage those situations. For instance, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes to better understand their perspective may help you to think about your anger differently. Therapy is a great way to work on this. A trained mental health professional can help you identify what triggers your anger, examine and change the thought patterns you have when you feel anger building up, and learn to communicate your angry feelings effectively. 

4. Problem Solving – Sometimes we get angry because we don’t know a better way to solve a problem. This lack of resolution can leave us feeling powerless, helpless and stuck, which naturally leads to anger and frustration. A big part of problem solving includes good communication skills that allow us to express our anger assertively without blowing our top. A professional counselor can be a big help here, as well, providing space and guidance for you to examine the problem and identify solutions.

5. Using Humor – If we can find a way to laugh at ourselves or see the silliness in the way we are reacting, we can quickly diffuse our anger and use better problem-solving skills. Make a joke instead of name calling, or use imagery to picture yourself as a cartoon character with smoke coming out of your ears. Any silly tricks you can think of to take yourself less seriously actually work. It can also be useful to think in terms of parts here. Identify the part of you that gets mad and flesh it out: Is it male, female, neither? What shape or color is it? How old is it? Give it a silly (but affectionate) name, and befriend it. When it gets worked up, see if you can sit it down and ask it what it needs. Be the adult to its child, or the Black Widow to its Hulk.  

If anger is getting the best of you, give us a call and one of our awesome therapists will work with you to find better ways to manage your feelings and help you live with greater calm, clarity, and compassion.