Do you feel like no matter what you say to your partner it's misunderstood? Does it seem like you both can’t get on the same page? Do you say things to one another that you later regret? 

Communication styles in relationships impact all levels of connection. Shaky or ineffective communication can breach trust, perpetuate conflict, and create resentment. Let’s get into how it all works. 

Types of Communication Styles

People oscillate between different communication styles based on their needs, relationships, and personal comfort. During times of stress, you may resort to unhealthier patterns because you feel frustrated or afraid. 

The first step towards growth is insight. It’s important to be aware of the various communication styles and reflect on the times when you engage with them. Here are the four most common styles of communication and the effect they can have on your partner.

Aggressive Communication

Aggressive communication comes across as harsh, accusatory, and condescending. An aggressive communicator speaks loudly, interrupts, blames, or attacks others to maintain a sense of control.

This pattern tends to make others feel afraid or unsafe. As a result, they may withdraw from the conversation or simply appease the aggressor because they want to avoid a further fallout. 

Passive-Aggression Communication 

Passive aggression is an indirect form of aggression where people use sarcasm, light criticism, stonewalling, or incongruent body language to try to meet their needs. For example, someone might say, I’m fine when it’s obvious they seem stressed.

This pattern often makes others feel confused and frustrated. It can also create a gaslighting dynamic, where people doubt their truth and second-guess their feelings because they can’t distinguish what’s real or not. 

Passive Communication

Passive communicators tend to struggle with acknowledging and expressing their feelings. Instead, they are often preoccupied with pleasing others, resulting in a lack of confidence and poor boundaries. 

This pattern also makes other people feel annoyed. In healthy relationships, people want to meet their partner’s needs. But if they don’t know their needs, it makes communication much more challenging.

Assertive Communication 

Assertive communication is honest, respectful, and direct. An assertive communicator states what’s on their mind while remaining sensitive to the needs of others. They don’t expect others to guess what they want.

When both people can be assertive with one another, the relationship feels trusting and comfortable. Nobody feels like they’re walking on eggshells or trying to read each other’s minds. 

Steps for Improving How You Communicate 

You may recognize that you sometimes engage in unhealthy communication styles. Fortunately, you can change how you listen and respond to others. Here are some tips to keep in mind. 

Sharpen Your Listening 

Many people don’t really listen to others. Instead, when someone else talks, they brainstorm what they want to say next. 

Instead of thinking about your next response, try to lean into actively listening to your partner. Be present with them. Avoid any distractions. Listen as if this is the most important conversation you’ll have that day. Better listening facilitates compassion and empathy, both of which can help you improve how you relate to your partner. 

Own Your Feelings

It’s easy to blame your partner for something you believe they did wrong. But healthy communication entails recognizing and acknowledging your part in the dynamic.

For example, instead of saying, You never do any housework, you might say, I feel frustrated that I’m doing the dishes, laundry, and cleaning up all the clutter. This shift in discussing your feelings allows you to be direct without coming across as accusatory.

Set Boundaries Around Communication Pitfalls 

Ideally, you want to avoid harmful responses like silent treatment or yelling at one another during stressful times. However, you and your partner should have a transparent conversation about what you both deem as unacceptable during conflicts.

Many couples find that giving each other the chance to “cool down” or briefly “walk away” allows for a necessary regrouping. Consider discussing this possibility with your partner. Then, see how it feels when you put it into practice. 

Once you know these boundaries, it’s imperative that you each take proactive steps to avoid hurting one another. If mistakes happen, come up with a plan for how you will acknowledge and reconcile them. 

Reassess How Needs Can Be Met 

You may become upset with your partner because you assume they should instinctively know what you need. Or, you might expect them to take on a certain role that they are unequipped to fulfill. 

Healthy communication also comes down to having realistic goals. It’s impossible for your partner to meet your every need. Likewise, it’s important to reflect on whether you have unfair expectations within your relationship. 

How Couples Therapy Can Help Improve Your Communication

Maybe you and your partner have slipped into unhealthy habits. Perhaps you’re a little too snarky with one another. Maybe you aren’t fighting fairly, or you keep facing the same frustrating issues without finding any real resolutions.

Regardless of your specific circumstances, couples therapy offers a safe and non-judgmental environment to work on your relationship. Communication affects everything from intimacy and trust to parenting and making significant decisions together. If you want to get things back on track, we are here to help you.