When you think about a stereotypical people-pleaser, you might imagine the passive person who gets treated like a doormat. They never assert their opinion, and they often act like martyrs in social situations.

But people-pleasing exists on a large spectrum, and some of the signs aren't always straightforward or obvious. You may not even realize you struggle with this issue despite constantly feeling anxious, depressed, or resentful of others.

Here are some subtle people-pleasing signs that often fly under the radar:

You Say No (But Still Feel Guilty)

Most people assume that if they can set boundaries or tell others no they must not be people-pleasers. But this isn't always true.

In reality, people-pleasing comes in different forms. Maybe you do recognize the importance of setting limits in your relationships and asserting your own needs. But you still want to avoid conflict, and you feel guilty when you disagree with someone. So even when you do make proactive choices for yourself, that guilt often feels so strong that you second-guess if you made the right decision.

You Frequently Seek Reassurance

Covert people-pleasers often struggle with trusting their intuition. They may lack self-confidence and are used to attuning to the world around them (rather than building their own sense of self).

Over time, this behavior often leads to cycles of indecisiveness. You don't trust yourself enough to make a judgment call, and you're also used to frequently taking other people's expectations into consideration.

As a result? Even small decisions can feel painstakingly difficult. You might find yourself feeling anxious when you need to make a quick choice, and you might choose to win approval rather than consider your own wants.

You Pride Yourself on Being Low-Maintenance

Are you super go-with-the-flow? Do you roll with the punches a little too well?

Maybe you really are flexible and easygoing, but is there a chance you're used to sacrificing your own well-being to ensure that others feel happy? Many times, people who value themselves for having no needs actually have a normal amount of needs! They're just used to downplaying or disregarding them.

Being open-minded is a strong trait but it shouldn't come at the expense of your own self-care.

You Spend Time With People Who Drain Your Energy

Maybe you have lots of friends and love spending time with others. But after socializing, you often find yourself feeling exhausted. You've noticed that you start feeling resentful toward certain people.

This might be because you've chosen friends who need excessive emotional support or don't necessarily consider the limits of others. They might take advantage of your generosity or assume that you're always available for them.

And if you do establish boundaries? They might find it hard to respect those limits, causing you to still feel anxious or doubt your intentions.

You Often Numb Your Emotions

Chronic people-pleasing can take an emotional toll, especially if you engaged in these behavioral patterns from a young age. If you don't feel safe being yourself and honoring your values in most settings, the stress accumulates.

You might numb yourself with substances like alcohol, drugs, or food. You might also numb your emotions by trying to pretend they don't exist (denial), suppressing or minimizing their importance, or intellectualizing them (This isn't that big of a deal! Other people have it much worse!)

You Crave External Validation

We all want approval. As humans, this drive for approval is instinctual, and we rely on it to feel socially connected to others.

But if you're finding that you spend excess time and energy trying to get attention, it may be part of your people-pleasing behavior. You've associated that being liked gives you a sense of worth. Therefore, the idea of other people not liking you seems incredibly threatening.

Validation can come in many forms: being praised for specific successes, getting attention for having a crisis or problem, receiving favors, and getting complimented are some of the common ones. If it feels like your self-worth is contingent on this validation, it might mean you're struggling more than you realize.

How Therapy Can Help With People-Pleasing

People-pleasing can coincide with low self-esteem, and it's often a symptom of mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

If you've had a history of unstable relationships, people-pleasing often represents a survival tactic. You have learned that it's safer to try to placate other people's feelings before considering your own. This pattern of self-sacrifice can lead to you neglecting yourself, and it can actually worsen the relationships you value.

Therapy can help you establish healthy boundaries, implement positive self-talk, and live a life in accordance with your own values. Whether your people-pleasing tendencies feel larger-than-life or they're more subtle, it's possible to balance healthy relationships without losing sight of your own needs.

At Elevate Counseling, we are here to help you thrive!